


I Saw It On The News

by agatestones



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-26
Updated: 2012-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-30 04:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agatestones/pseuds/agatestones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isn't this how you spend your workday mornings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Saw It On The News

## GAWKER

[image: Jimmy Trimstone and unidentified man in a suit walking on a New York street]

**[[THE CLINK]]**

# Douchebag Internet Huckster Under Arrest, Finally

by Nola Thumb  
Jan. 18, 2012 7:25 AM  
[share] [+1] [like] [45 likes] [22,341 hits] [132 comments]

Jimmy Trimstone, the ill-dressed, profanity-spouting-in-front-of-children, all-around schmucky impresario behind the Facebookification of every meaningless sexual encounter anyone with an iPhone cares to rant about, was arrested this morning on drug charges after police stopped him driving the wrong way on the Triborough Bridge with a billion tons of cocaine up his nose.

_[Ed. note: Estimated, given the difficulty of measuring Trimstone's sinus cavities.]_

Despite the novelty of discovering how to even get ON the Triborough Bridge going in the wrong direction, the arrest marks the mid-point of a lengthy cliche that began in 2010 when Trimstone's annoyingly addictive app, Yellit, started making him billions in $4.99 increments. He has been the denizen and bane of nightclubs you can't afford all over Manhattan ever since.

Although a hipster would have probably driven a wood-paneled station wagon in his coke-fuelled exploits, Trimstone proved his unironic bona fides by being pulled over in a yellow Maserati.

* * *

Related Stories:  
* Jimmy Trimstone and His Feather Cape WTF  
* Profiles in Drunken, Assholish CEOs  
* Yellit: the Unholy Love-Child of Grindr and Facebook

[comment]

Discussion Threads -- [featured] [ALL] [start a new thread]

* * *

**Totallyintoit -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:48 AM**

Ho hum. Call me when he's got a VH1 reality show.

* * *

**Probert -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:51 AM**

VH1? Oh, _burn_.

* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:53 AM**

Nola, you failed to answer the most important question: who's his smoking hot lawyer? 

* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:54 AM**

Mmmm, hot lawyer. And that's a Tom Ford suit he's wearing, pretty sure. So a hot lawyer with _taste_. 

* * *

**Nola Thumb -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:54 AM**

Well. He IS representing Trimstone. So his taste might not be THAT great. 

* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:56 AM**

I don't see a wedding ring. And sadly, I don't see that face on Manhunt either. 

* * *

**Paco Chaco Taco -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 7:58 AM**

There are faces on Manhunt?! 

* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:01 AM**

Touche, my delicious friend. 

* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:11 AM**

I am happy to report that probably isn't Trimstone's lawyer, or not for his arrest. That's Harvey Specter, and he's a corporate guy. He doesn't do crim law. 

* * *

**Killer_Instinct -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:12 AM**

Get back to work, Mike. 

* * *

**Paco Chaco Taco -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:12 AM**

Not to repeat myself, but: there are people under the age of 80 named Harvey?! 

* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:14 AM**

Yes, and with luck they're on Manhunt. 

* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:15 AM**

Who's Mike?

The massive assholes who write my paycheck had him do something I don't understand but is probably immoral last year. Talk about your manhunt: bunch of white douchebros telling each other "sick" stories about people he's ground under his heel like those pervs who get off on hamsters getting squashed by women in Louboutins.

I work in finance. Tough to imagine someone who can out-sick those guys. 

* * *

**Paco Chaco Taco -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:18 AM**

Oh maybe I should hate him, for turning douchebros gay.  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:19 AM**

I think you'd have to hate me as well. It's a fun hobby.  


* * *

**Not Your Binkie -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:23 AM**

@Scrimptious: Wall Streeter? Me too. Pretty sure Specter was involved in the negotiations over that thing last summer, where Jimmy whoopsied a couple of trademarked images on his app. Note the trees are in leaf behind them.  


* * *

**Nola Thumb -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:26 AM**

It's a file photo.

Binkie and Scrimptious, stars for the both of you. Minus eleven hundred stars from all the commenters who think that lawyers can make the sun come up at 6 AM in January. Of course that photo wasn't taken today! Look at the freakin datestamp at the top of the page, will you?  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:30 AM**

Good morning!

I doubt Trimstone's out of stir yet. If he was arrested at 4:22 AM. So even if Der Spiegel was his lawyer, hard to imagine he'd be able to spring him that fast!

* * *

**Sensical -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:31 AM**

Der Spiegel. That's awesome. This whole thread is _awesome_.  


* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:34 AM**

What side was Specter on, for the whoopsie negotiations?  


* * *

**Purslane Says -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:34 AM**

What the hell does he put in his hair? Hair is not supposed to do that. And how do you know when the arrest happened?  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:36 AM**

Aw, I like the hair. It's a Cary Grant thing.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:37 AM**

RTFA, Purslane. My question is, who's the poor yutz at AP who had to put out a BREAKING NEWS at 4:22 AM?  


* * *

**Paco Chaco Taco -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:40 AM**

Hey, it's a journalism job. Not a lot of those to go around any more.  


* * *

**Clarence Sparrow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:41 AM**

Specter worked for the sue-ers, not the sue-ees, on that trademark whoopsie. I'm told it was a sight to see. If you look at the photo, there's somebody mostly cropped out on Trimstone's right side. That's probably Trimstone's lawyer. Who sucks as a human being and as an attorney, because (a) he represents Jimmy Trimstone and (b) he represents Jimmy Trimstone for a _trademark dispute_.  


* * *

**Pinch -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:42 AM**

If that were my journalism job, I'd hang myself.  


* * *

**Lotte Lucknow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:49 AM**

I happen to work in an industry totally unrelated to law (except that all lawyers are drunks) and I've met that guy. Good tipper.

Sadly for everyone in this thread, pretty sure he's into the ladies.  


* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:49 AM**

@Clarence Sparrow: can you tell more about this copyright case?  


* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:51 AM**

Damn, all the hot ones are straight. Deets?  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:52 AM**

Seriously. What gay millionaires are even in the dating pool? Don't say Ralph Lauren.  


* * *

**Pinch -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:54 AM**

Dude is soooo much better looking (and younger) than Ralph Lauren. Also, if you're a porn star, you have to disclose that fact (and many other tittilating facts) to your commenting peers.  


* * *

**Lotte Lucknow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 8:59 AM**

Not a lot to tell, I guess. Seen him a few times, tips cash on a credit card purchase, which is sweet. Always in those suits. Doesn't tell the barkeep his life story -- also sweet. Drinks Scotch, the best we carry.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:01 AM**

Very important question: Water, rocks, or water back?  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:01 AM**

Sadly (happily?) not a porn star. If I were, you know I'd tell all.  


* * *

**Lotte Lucknow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:03 AM**

None of the above. Rocks are for pussies.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:04 AM**

I _am_ a pussy. Or I have one. Which means unlike everyone else in this thread I've got a shot with the guy.

Also, thanks for confirming you're an asshole.  


* * *

**Clarence Sparrow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:08 AM**

Not involved with the trademark thing, so I can tell just the general scuttlebutt.

Trimstone is a great big shmuck, as we all know, and his app started using trademarked logos of companies on his little maps of who fucked whom where. I don't even know why -- I think it was about that guy at Conde Nast who was screwing the intern at Bloomberg in the office? (Surely Gawker covered this. I saw that video, and I don't know who in their right mind would fuck him.) Anyway, big corporations see their logos associated with fucking, they freak out, they hire white-shoe firm, white-shoe firm starts chucking threats at Trimstone.

There's a whole thing in there with whether Yellit was using the logos for profit, or just using them; but the fact is, trademarks die unless you defend them (unlike copyright), so the corporations were going to jump down his throat either way.

My understanding is that Specter's the guy they call in to explain to the opposition why they should start crying for their mommies now rather than later. He's not even a trademark specialist -- he does M&A. But he got Trimstone to fold and Yellit doesn't use logos any more, and I presume that the corporations got zillions of dollars in recompense for their horrible suffering. And the white-shoe firm takes a nice big cut.

And yes, I AM a lawyer. Not an internet lawyer.  


* * *

**Not Your Binkie -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:11 AM**

Thanks, Clarence! Very interesting. And yeah, I know about Specter from M&A -- mostly the A. I heard he did a lot of the wheel-greasing to make the whole "too big to fail" set of bank acquisitions work out.  


* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:13 AM**

@ Not Your Binkie: Really? That's kind of gross.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:14 AM**

So basically, he IS the 1%.  


* * *

**A Name Like Fluckers -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:16 AM**

Wow, way to start the work day! So does being a villain make him any less fuckable?  


* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:18 AM**

I have a bad feeling this thread is infested with lawyers  


* * *

**Clarence Sparrow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:20 AM**

Guilty as charged! I don't think Specter was involved in TBTF. Firstly, his M&As are mostly tech and arcane subsidiaries. Second, TBTF was a last-minute clusterfuck, and a lot of it got done directly with CEOs, i.e. only cursory supervision by in-house counsel. I'm not sure it was even in writing till after Congress acted.

Thirdly, I would pay CASH MONEY to watch Specter throw down with Barney Frank, which guarantees that it'll never happen.  


* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:21 AM**

@Clarence Sparrow: Yeah, that makes sense. I know he's evil and all, but I like to think he's not THAT evil.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:23 AM**

Who's Barney Frank? Besides another guy with a weird name?  


* * *

**Killer_Instinct -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:23 AM**

Mike, you're not fooling anyone.  


* * *

**Not Your Binkie -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:24 AM**

That _would_ be cool. Frank is a left-handed fat gay Jew with a lisp. D from Massachusetts. And _must_ be a secret commenter at Gawker. _Must_.  


* * *

**Clarence Sparrow -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:26 AM**

@Not Your Binkie: Can't you see it? BMOC v. sarcastic nerd. Business v. Government. $5000 suit v. uh, whatever the hon. gentleman from Massachusetts managed not to iron that morning.

The amici curiae would be orgasmic. And I think the Prince of Darkness would lose: Frank's the one who called one of his constituents on her "vile, contemptible nonsense" during that Summer of Pointless Town Meetings in 2009.  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:27 AM**

So who's this Mike who is goofing off instead of working this morning? Not that I am familiar with such a thing at ALL.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:29 AM**

@Clarence Sparrow: Oh yeah, that was awesome. Here's the link [www.youtube...]

"On what planet do you spend most of your time?"  


* * *

**Pinch -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:30 AM**

Don't you know? I'm Mike. And my backlog of work goes up to _eleven_  


* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:31 AM**

Uh oh, I think I might be Mike.  


* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:31 AM**

@Pinch: No, I think I'm Mike. I'm some industrious underling who works for Hot Lawyer and spouts legal hoodoo and then gets tied up at night with my expensive neckties.  


* * *

**Bop Bop Cop -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:31 AM**

I am totally Mike. Well, I don't work at a desk, but the shit I am not getting done right now, oh my god.  


* * *

**Dudely -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:33 AM**

Ohhhh that is it: somebody's got Google Alerts on, and Mike is the unpaid intern who gets to report all our sex fantasies about the Prince of Darkness.  


* * *

**Paco Chaco Taco -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:34 AM**

Is it sad that every time I see "Prince of Darkness" I envision someone with a swooping cape? And fangs.

* * *

**TheOtherWhiteMeat -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:35 AM**

Mike, if you want to outsource that work, I am _totally available_ to help you. My calendar is clear.

* * *

**Scrimptious -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:35 AM**

Yes, Paco, that's sad.  


* * *

**Killer_Instinct -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:45 AM**

Spartacus, I need you in my office five minutes ago.  


* * *

**Sensical -- Wed 18 Jan 2012 9:45 AM**

On my way, boss. Also I have a few suggestions for a new username.

[read more]


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